Devastated...

Well, I have put this off long enough.

3 weeks ago I lost the baby. I had a gut feeling, instinct maybe, from the get go that something wasn't right. I never felt "right".

I had been spotting on and off since around 5 1/2 weeks. I kept having my HCG hormone levels checked, and they were rising and actually quite high! So they got me in for (several) early ultrasounds. The last one was grim. My baby had a genetic defect, where it would not have survived past birth, if even until then.

They couldn't even be for sure if it was alive, as they were never able to get a proper heatbeat reading.

So, I made the heartwrenching decision to have a D&C 1 day before I was to be 9 weeks. I didn't want the baby to be born only to have it suffer. It has taken a lot of praying and crying, and to be honest, I really regret that decision. I should have left it in God's hands, but at that point, I was close to hemmoraging. Be that as it may, I just can't come to terms with this.

This was my 5th miscarriage. And yet all my testing keeps coming back completely normal. Sometimes I don't understand God's plan, I know I shouldn't question it, but this has shaken my faith to the core. What have I done to deserve this much pain? 5 miscarriages!!! 5!!

What could I have possibly done?! I know I was an unwed mother, and I made a lot of mistakes, but I love my babies dearly, and have always worked my butt off and done my best to raise them right. Ethan reads his Little Boy's Bible all the time, I teach them Christianity, IDK. I'm just distraught still, so please excuse my ramblings.

I am sooo greatful for my 2 healthy babies. And I treasure every second with them, and every breath they take. I can't begin to tell you how many night I have lay awake in their room watching them sleep. I guess this has really put things into perspective for me.

I'm sorry this is so Negative Nelly, Im just really sad. And somewhat angry to be honest. This baby wasn't planned, but was sooo wanted and loved. We already had names picked out.
Hunter Daniel for a boy, and Mary Jane for a girl. :)

I'm sure I will be ok. Just not right now. I need to grieve this loss. Please pray that I will recover mentally from this, Im not feeling so strong right now.